The Art of Saying No

One word, one syllable, two letters: No. "No is a complete sentence", so why is it so hard to say one of the shortest sentences known to man? Is it because we are afraid of conflict or being seen as "the bad guy"? Does it have to do with not learning how to speak up for ourselves in childhood and set healthy boundaries? Or is it because of people and bully-pleasing that stems from a lack of self-worth? As all of these may be true, it can still feel frustrating when you want to say no and wind up agreeing to something that you really do not want to do.

For example, I remember growing up in a household where you were not allowed to have your own opinion. I was seen as a lesser and I was taught that everyone else knew what was best for me and would tell me what to think, what to wear, and how to act. My lack of authenticity grew into my teen years and, eventually, my beginning adult years too. When I finally had the courage to have my own voice, it was met with shock, being told that I was wrong, and anger. This created a juncture where I either had to choose myself, or shrink back into a box that had been created for me. I chose myself.

While it is true that I lost some people along my path because I stood up for myself, it is the best choice that I ever made! Learning how to say no and stay in my own power is an art that I am still exploring. I find that this art stems from practicing clear communication, and understanding what it is that I really want. Empaths are so good at interpreting what other people want that sometimes, the empath will advocate for the other person, or even the bully, while sacrificing their own happiness. Perhaps this is learned behavior from childhood where one is looking for love, understanding, and a desire to be praised and seen. As long as the empath is giving, they feel they have purpose. In fact, it may feel selfish and wrong for an empath to focus on their own desires, wants, and needs, even though it isn't. At least, there may be some shame if you do something that goes against what another person wants you to do, and this may result in shrinking back.

This being said, there are some healthy ways to begin loving yourself and setting healthy boundaries! Here are some ways to begin below:

• Where have you recently said "yes" when you really wanted to say "no"?

  • What would you like to do differently next time?

• When someone tries to manipulate your emotions so that they can get their way, how does that make you feel?

  • Would you like to practice setting boundaries by allowing the other person to have their experience without taking on the obligation to "make it better"?

• Did you grow up feeling a lot of 'obligation and duty'?

  • If so, how has that carried into adulthood and where would you like to change that?

• What would the most authentic version of yourself look like?

  • How does your most authentic self dress? groom? speak? act? etc

By exploring your most authentic self, you begin to create a link into that frequency. This, in turn, may help you to forgive yourself for the past as you allow yourself to evolve and change for the better. Learning that what other people think of you has very little to do with you, and more to do with their own insecurities and projections, may help you to choose yourself, no matter what! Above all else, be patient with yourself - change is a dance, not a light switch. This is a journey that allows you to evolve in a way that supports the inner you while loving yourself completely!

Below are a few more ways to practice saying no and practice disagreeing:

• "Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm going to have to pass this time."

• "No."

• "No, thank you."

• "That sounds like fun but I won't be able to make it."

• "That doesn't sound like a good fit for me."

• "That won't work for me, thank you."

• "It seems like we have different recollections of what happened."

• "Please don't tell me what my experience was. I know what I experienced."

• "I'm not okay with being gaslit."

• "This situation doesn't work for me."

• "I'll have to say no this time."

• "While I am not open to _________, I would be open to __________."

As always, wishing you great clarity and happiness!