The Role of Anger

I remember putting myself into therapy when I was 16 years old, and one of the first things that I learned from my therapist is: "Anger covers Fear, and Fear covers Sadness." These words have stayed with me all these decades later, and I use them quite regularly in my own life and world when tensions seem high. As my parents were absent from my life, Ann (my therapist in my teens) fulfilled a parental role for me and taught me much about managing my own emotions, and the role that emotions play.

Like many of us, I grew up in a household where emotions - anger in particular - was reserved for adults to express without limits, but children were not to engage with it. It felt as though my parents (my mother specifically) had a lot of anger, and that anger was expressed onto me in childhood. Without going into great detail, I can certainly say that I grew to fear anger and the expressions of it. It seemed as though anger brought out the Hulk in those I was supposed to trust, and that made me feel unsafe. I often wondered if there was a purpose to anger, since I associated anger to those with bully-like personalities, those that are selfish, and insecure temperaments. Certainly those that I found to be 'safe-spaces' were more logical, calm, and reasonable than those that try to rule with their anger.

As a result, I grew up not knowing how to harness and work with my own emotions, fearing them instead of realizing that these emotions were just trying to communicate with me. When the role models that I have had in regard to displays of emotion have been unhealthy, that is all the brain knows until I pause to change it. Through the help of therapy, getting my degree in psychology, and continually trying to read and understand the role of emotions in the body, I now understand that emotions are not to be feared, but to be worked with. The first place I started when I was changing my relationship to anger was asking myself these questions:

• What do I think the role of anger is? How do I believe that anger should be used?

• Am I afraid of other people's anger?

  • If so, why?

• Am I afraid of my own anger?

  • If so, why?

• Whose anger scared me when I was younger?

• What relationship to anger and emotions, in general, do I have?

• Am I willing to entertain the idea that there may actually be a different role to anger that is healthier for me?

By answering the above questions honestly, I was able to begin my journey to exploring the possibility that anger might have another role than the one I had previously been exposed to. In doing so, I learned that people I had encountered that held excessive anger all had some attributes in common. A list of these attributes included: holding grudges, being close-minded, bullying behaviors, always having to be right, always needing to win conversations and arguments, not caring about other ways of living or other points of view, often being defensive, being quick to blame others, playing the aggressor-victim paradigm (where the person is aggressive or passive-aggressive, and then when they do not get their way, the person may play the victim), and being overly critical.

Likewise, identifying these characteristics about misdirected anger helped me to more deeply understand why I had been so afraid to engage with it. By majority, I had seen misuse of anger aimed at me in unhealthy ways, and an abuse of power. Is it any wonder, then, as to why I had been so afraid to engage with such a powerful impression? In contrast, anger is so much more than an impulsive temper-tantrum. A quote that helped me to understand this point was uttered by Aristotle when he said: "Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."

In effect, his quote implies that anger requires emotion to be harnessed in conjunction with logic so as to temper impulsivity. It also points to the fact that anger is not to be avoided, but to be recognized in a different way than I had previously understood, one that was more healthy and balanced. As it turns out, anger may be showing me that someone is overstepping my boundaries and asking me to stand up for myself in a healthy way. In contrast, it also may be that anger alerts me to deep triggers that I have been holding onto from the past. Instead of projecting this pain onto someone else, I am being asked to look at the trapped trigger in my energy (we have a Navigating Triggers class if you would like to explore this concept).

While anger may still make my heart race every now and again, each emotion has its place and is trying to tell me something. Anger may be telling me that my boundaries are being crossed, or that I feel that I am being challenged in some way. It may also facilitate a part of me that has been buried, triggering me to look at some trapped pain. No matter what, it is an opportunity to control any impulses, bring my power back in, and heal myself without projecting onto someone else. It also allows me to practice communicating in a calmer way where I am more aware of what is going on inside of me. In turn, this helps to nurture the child within, allowing me to create a safe-space for myself and potentially others!

Image By Pin Adventure Map via Unsplash

As always, I am wishing you great energetic clarity and happiness.