Why is it Hard to Change?

I remember when I was about 17 years old, an opportunity arose for me to move to the South of France for work. There was a part of me that was excited to explore and have a grand adventure (the movies Sabrina and French Kiss were a part of my motivation), and there was a part of me that was petrified at the thought of leaving the life I knew behind. With a leap of faith, trust, and pixie dust, I went all-in without knowing any of the language, customs, and without a companion to lean on. There I was, in this picturesque town, trying to fumble forward in the best way I knew how at that time.

Needless to say my grand adventure was not like either of the movies that I mentioned above ... not even close. There were many tears, certainly some laughter, a lot of reflection, and quickly catching up to the fact that there were some areas in myself that needed to change. There's nothing quite like leaping way out of your comfort zone to show you the areas that you need to be more open-minded and graceful. If only I could have known then what I know now, I could have saved 17-year-old me a lot of struggle.

One of the struggles I had growing up revolved around not knowing how to shift my thinking so that my mindset could be more flexible. When you've grown up with certain habits, beliefs, and reinforced thinking patterns, that's all you know until it is challenged by something external. When I was challenged in my move, it questioned the way I was living via a different culture, ways of thinking about life, language barriers, social skills, and attachments that I had. What I understand now is that the brain gets comfortable in routine. It prefers habits and familiarity and inadvertently tries to avoid going too far out of its comfort zone. I, in fact, was way outside of my comfort zone.

In effect, when faced with change, especially changes that seem out of one's control, the brain may go into a sort of protection-mode because the unknown may cause one to have anxiety and stress. The brain is wired to prefer routines, familiarity, and comfort. When challenged with a new thought that conflicts with your current belief, it creates cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance creates mental distress and may occur when you hold a current belief and that belief is challenged by a conflicting belief.

For example, let's say a person may hold a belief that she is a really great communicator (current belief). When someone points out that she is not a great communicator (conflicting belief) but, in fact, communicating in a fashion that alienates and comes across as bullying and dominating, she may get angry, go into denial, project, and feel attacked that the other person has said this. This may be an instance of cognitive dissonance where the brain is denying new information because it conflicts with her previous belief, and this previous belief conflicts with her self-image. Her sense of identity has just taken a hit.

Accordingly, the brain tries to protect the ego, because the ego is wrapped up in the identity of the attachments that one has about the self. When one is challenged on a deeply held belief, instead of feeling like the belief they hold is being challenged, the person feels like they themselves are being challenged. This is why emotions come up so strongly when one feels challenged and questioned. The person feels attacked when, in reality, it is the belief that is being challenged, not the person. The more attached one is to his belief system, the more closed-minded the individual may be, and the more attacked they may feel.

Interestingly, this is because the brain does not search for truth as much as it may look for familiarity. Within cognitive ease (aka cognitive fluency), the brain can more easily process familiar information because it requires less effort. As a result, the brain looks for confirmation bias and cherry picks information to support its existing views. A person may also stack his peer-group with like-minded individuals with similar beliefs so that he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable by being challenged or questioned. It could be seen as a type of self-preservation, but it may leave one stuck in not being able to entertain other views and beliefs, seeing the world through a tiny keyhole.

So how does one actually change then? While there are many ways to be open to change, one way is to allow cognitive dissonance to happen. Again, cognitive dissonance is where a person experiences mental discomfort when new information conflicts with one's current beliefs. If a person is attached to his beliefs, the person may feel angry, attacked, or "wrong" and may try to defend the current beliefs, even if those beliefs are shown to be wrong. The more attached I am to my beliefs, the more I will try to prove that I am "right". Why will I try to prove that I am right? Because the ego doesn't like to be wrong! So, instead of thinking that I am my beliefs, perhaps I create a space of curiosity when I feel challenged.

For myself, I find it helpful to remember that when I engage on a topic with someone, just because I have strong emotions surrounding that topic does not mean that I am right. In fact, for myself it is usually quite the opposite where I find that the more strongly I feel about something, the more close-minded on that topic I more than likely am. So, I practice watching and observing my emotions as they rise and fall through the experience instead of defending. In doing so, I find that I work through strong emotions, learn to have humility, and realize that some of my beliefs have been either wrong or ingrained in me instead of my own. In other words, I have found that the beliefs that I carry are not even mine - they were a part of someone else's belief-system that I adopted.

For this reason, I want to make sure that I am my own person, making my own decisions, and allow myself to be challenged in a way that helps to facilitate my mind. I keep in mind Aristotle's words when he wisely said: "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it". This allows me to approach new ideas and perspectives with curiosity instead of defense. It also helps a person to become wiser and more well-rounded in their viewpoints, able to listen in such a way that overrides lower instincts. Within it, there is a capacity for intellectual openness and true potential for growth, and that is what we aim to teach here at NeXXus Prime Universe.

If you are interested in how to do this, or interested in learning more about cognitive dissonance and how emotions play a role in decision-making, click on the ensō/flower below to be taken to our CLASSES page. There, you will find the Navigating Triggers and the Energy Reset classes. If you are interested, send us a note via our CONTACT page.

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Image by Antoine Contenseau via Unsplash

I look forward to connecting with you and in the meanwhile, I am wishing you great clarity and happiness!