Changing the Inner Critic

In my studies at university, some of my favorite courses surround information about how the brain processes information. People assume that they are always at the helm of their mind, making decisions in an original and unique way when, in reality, the mind learns and adapts based on the information we absorb and the experiences we have. According to the Laboratory of Neuro Imaging at the University of Southern California (USC), the average brain produces 48.6 thoughts per minute, translating to approximately 70,000 thoughts per day! While this number may be debatable (as there are challenges on how to define and measure thoughts), many studies agree that most thoughts are repetitive and they are not new or original thoughts at all. So where are they originating from?

Such as when I was younger, I noticed that whenever I was in the middle of fumbling forward, I would have some inner dialogue that would inevitably come out. I would feel upset with myself, mostly that I wasn't perfect at whatever I was doing, and was in a mode of judgement, disappointment, and worthlessness. My self-talk was coming from a space that was belittling, demanding unrealistic standards (especially for my age and situation), and unfriendly at best. But where was it coming from? Was this stemming from myself? Or had it been implanted at some point via my experiences with others?

Interestingly enough, many people have an inner critic that silently observes, monitors, and evaluates on a mostly unconscious scale. When I traced back my inner critic, I found that a certain authority figure in particular - the one that criticized me the most in childhood - was the primary judgmental undertone that had hijacked my thought patterns. The place where I demanded so much of myself, the unrealistic expectations, the drive to constantly pressure more and more of myself, even when I had nothing left to give, was in there dictating my unhappiness. So how do you break this kind of spell?

While not everyone has the same childhood experience, the environment that one grows up in can shape one's inner world to a large extent. If a person is in an environment that feels unsupportive, whether that is via primary caregivers, teachers, or others along one's path in life, it may lead to one's inner voice toning to the self-critical side of things. On the other hand, if one has a nurturing and supportive environment growing up, one has an opportunity to develop healthy self-talk, feels safe to admit when he is wrong, may have better coping skills, and an opportunity to navigate life in a more authentic way, feeling safe to fumble-forward.

In recognizing that I did not feel safe in my environment growing up, I felt the urgency to change. I began with my belief system and my thought patterns. In fact, in studying Descartes at university, he helped me to see that his approach of methodical doubt could be used to question myself on everything I had previously believed to be true. Was the inner critic "right"? I began to challenge the inner critic and all of the thoughts that came with it. This led me to many understandings, including the discernment that the person that I had adopted as my inner voice (a parent in my case) was wrong about so many things. As I allowed myself to feel the trigger, I would hear the inner critic try to take over. Instead of believing it and allowing it to run, I allowed myself to observe the inner critic happening and, with practice, I was able to create a safe-space for myself by challenging the narrative. This created a space to begin thinking for myself and release reacting from autopilot. I'm still fumbling-forward and now I smile instead of panic!

While everyone is different and what works for one person may not work for another, through my own personal journey I have found peace in reframing my thoughts and experiences. By practicing becoming aware when the inner critic comes up, questioning its validity, and talking to my inner child in a more caring way, I have found that there is a more peaceful way to live. I may not be able to change what happened to me in childhood, but I hold the pen to who I become now. Don't ever let anyone else hold the pen to your story. Your environment matters, the foods you eat matter, what you watch and read matters, and most importantly, YOU matter!

As always, I am wishing you great clarity and happiness in your own journey.

Photo Compliments to Xavia Zenith and her beautiful son, Skye: "The Inner Voice"